There's one thing that ruins budding relationships unlike anything else and today I'm going to tell some of my stories but the truth is this can happen to men, this can happen to women, to gay people, straight people — it can happen to you and that thing is neediness.
On the extreme side, it's the person who on the first date starts talking about how they want to marry you and what they're going to name their kids.
But maybe you've experienced the lighter side which is you sent a text to someone you like and then rather than moving on with your day, you find yourself checking, you're checking, and wonder why they haven't gotten back.
Whether it's big or small, neediness can ruin relationships and that's why I want to talk about three of the most common instances that you might be experiencing and how to deal with them because quite frankly, this is the one that ruins the relationships that you want the most.
So the first thing and one that I have personal experience with is in contacting the person every single day and I will never forget how I learned this — this was scarred into me.
Way back in undergraduate, I was in my second year and a friend of mine connected me with a girl that I wound up liking and the story behind it was that this girl actually had a crush on me so when we were put together I was like, "Oh my god, this is gonna be great." Hangout on Thursday night had a lot of fun, and by the end of the night, I was smitten.
So I invited her out Friday and said, "Do you want to come to this place?" She was very enthusiastic, she said, "Yeah, let's do it," and then whatever.
Her plans fell through — we didn't wind up meeting up.
So I said, "Okay, she likes me. I'm gonna invite her out again Saturday." So it's Saturday, I said, "Hey let's go out," and she said, "Okay let me let you know maybe we can do it," and she never got back to me that night.
So I'm thinking, "Okay she definitely likes me," so what I did is I've invited her out on Sunday.
And I invited her out on Sunday and she wrote back some sort of middling response and by the time that I went to ask my friend to re-coordinate another meeting with us, she said, "It's over. You blew it. It's too late," she's no longer interested.
And I tell you this story so that you realize that you often need to create some space in between seeing someone that you really like.
Now, you can put an artificial amount of time in there that is a service level thing like saying, "Okay, I'm going to wait three days — people have different rules," but the better truth is to feel your time with things that you like.
So especially after you were maybe to go on a date and it fell through, make sure the next night you do something awesome.
Could it be a date with someone else? It could be if that's the way you want to go but maybe just something that you love to do, a movie that you like, spending time with friends — especially when you feel yourself getting very invested in someone that you don't know that well, go back to the things you love and make sure you're doing them because if not, you're going to go all-in on that person and it will ruin it.
So the second thing that comes up that I see is begging and pleading. Now, you might be thinking, "Okay, clearly I don't beg, I don't plead, and I haven't done that," but it's more common than you think. When I say begging, what I mean is you invite someone out, you say, "Hey would you like to go tonight?" and they say, "I'm sorry I've got this thing that I need to do," and rather than saying, "Okay cool, we'll do it later," you say, "Come on, it's gonna be so much fun. You know you want to. Like, just cancel those plans, it will be great." And I've done this, absolutely, I have friends who have done this. But while this seems fun and cheeky the truth is you're putting them in a position where they are guaranteed basically to like you less.
This is not cute because what it forces them to do is to say no to you and the way that our brains work is we find ourselves saying no, no no, to someone even if we like them, part of us goes, "Okay, why am I say no to them? I must not be interested," plus you're asking them to devalue their own time so that they can invest in you which tells them that's what you would do for them which is the crux of neediness — this is you not valuing your own time or their own time.
The appropriate answer — here as long as it not last minute and it's not a terrible thing where they just like stood you up after we bought some really expensive tickets or something which you shouldn't do early on anyway but the appropriate thing is just be cool, have fun, and then make plans several days later — very simple.
The third thing here and this is one, again, that I have very personal experience with is in changing your schedule for the other person Now, this is one that I've learned and forgotten over and over again most recently — it had can happen to a relationship that's been going on.
I had been seeing this girl for some time, we really liked one another but for her own reasons, she started to put in less effort and pull back, and become less available — and because I liked her and spending time with her, my response was, "Okay, I'm going to be more available. I've got this flexibility, my time is, you know, I can work this time. My friends are pretty flexible too so if she says we're going out Tuesday but then cancels, I'll just make sure that I'm free on Wednesday for lunch." And that went on and as that happens she became less and less available.
It was more and more work for me to get her out.
So it came to a head on a Sunday night and we had plans to meet at about ten o'clock.
She called me at like nine and said, "Hey I'm really sorry, I'm at my family's and I'm not gonna be able to make it out tonight and I got I've got plans Monday, I've got plans Tuesday, I've got work Thursday and Friday so maybe can do something on Wednesday," and earlier what I would do is, "Absolutely! Great! Wednesday it is. Also, it's a bummer that you kind of flicked his last minute but I forgive you," and what I did instead here was very simple because my friends had asked me earlier that day if we could go out Wednesday. There were no fixed plans but my friends had set it and so I told her, "I've got plans Wednesday night so I can't," and she paused and said, "Wait a second. If you can't on Wednesday then I can't see this week." I said, "Yeah that's what it sounds like," and she started going, "Well, I wanted to just cancel your plans." I said, "No I'm not going to cancel my plans. I have plans with my friend," and I could feel her starting to get more frustrated, nervous and she said, "Okay let me call you back," and hung up the phone.
Ten minutes later, she called me and she said, "I'm going to wrap up here. I'm going to finish with my family. I'm going to see you tonight as we had planned," and so she came over and we hung out as we had planned to do at 10 pm and I tell you the story not because this was a huge victory that she came over on Sunday and not Wednesday but because this was a turning point in the relationship where she had pulled away previously when I started to protect my own time and invest in the promises or even just the brief plan that I made with my friend she began to put in more effort.
She stopped pulling back and she started to match and becoming more flexible rather than me having the one that was constantly adjusting for her and quite frankly I think this probably saved the relationship.
So if you sense that this is you, you're getting down this line where you're flexible when you're always adjusting for the other person and you're not, like, changing plans so that they can cancel last minute, what I really recommend you to do is start becoming a planner. Meaning at the beginning of your week, set up things that you have to do even it's as simple as in Thursday night you're gonna watch a TV show with your roommate so if you could get asked to go out on Thursday night you can't because you have to watch a TV show with your roommate.
When you protect and respect your own plans, people will respect you more. This isn't to say that later in a relationship, you cannot have a little bit more flexibility after you've got a give-and-take but early on it's the kiss of death to start flaking on your friends for someone else and in fact one of the best things you can do here is if it is a more open and inclusive event like it's a TV show with your friend and it's not some secret going-out, you can say, "Thursday, I'm actually watching TV with my friend and we're going to watch a show but if you're interested, you're welcome to come hang out with us." That shows the person that you are inclusive, that you do value your friends and your plans.
So I hope that those three things help but beyond this, neediness goes more than the surface level which is what we've covered.
Where neediness this comes from is not feeling like you have options.
Like feeling like that person is your best chance at being happy and the real way to combat that which takes effort and time is to create options in your life that doesn't just mean dating other people that would clearly give you some options on a Friday night but it can also mean investing in your fitness regimen which you have to do.
Creating a business, more habits, spending time with friends — the more things that you have in your life that make you happy and the less willing you are to compromise on those, actually the more people you will draw towards you because you are valuing yourself and investing in you and that is going to signal to them that they need to do the same.
So I hope that this is giving you something to reflect on.
Now, do these work for women or gay people, gay men-women? I'm honestly not sure.
I don't have the experience and I'm not certain but regardless of who you are, I do hope that you decide to subscribe to the Blog.
It's not all the time that we do dating advice but I've seen this happen to a bunch of friends recently and I wanted to touch on it because neediness is not just going to kill your romantic relationships, it can actually ruin friendships.
On the extreme side, it's the person who on the first date starts talking about how they want to marry you and what they're going to name their kids.
But maybe you've experienced the lighter side which is you sent a text to someone you like and then rather than moving on with your day, you find yourself checking, you're checking, and wonder why they haven't gotten back.
Whether it's big or small, neediness can ruin relationships and that's why I want to talk about three of the most common instances that you might be experiencing and how to deal with them because quite frankly, this is the one that ruins the relationships that you want the most.
So the first thing and one that I have personal experience with is in contacting the person every single day and I will never forget how I learned this — this was scarred into me.
Way back in undergraduate, I was in my second year and a friend of mine connected me with a girl that I wound up liking and the story behind it was that this girl actually had a crush on me so when we were put together I was like, "Oh my god, this is gonna be great." Hangout on Thursday night had a lot of fun, and by the end of the night, I was smitten.
So I invited her out Friday and said, "Do you want to come to this place?" She was very enthusiastic, she said, "Yeah, let's do it," and then whatever.
Her plans fell through — we didn't wind up meeting up.
So I said, "Okay, she likes me. I'm gonna invite her out again Saturday." So it's Saturday, I said, "Hey let's go out," and she said, "Okay let me let you know maybe we can do it," and she never got back to me that night.
So I'm thinking, "Okay she definitely likes me," so what I did is I've invited her out on Sunday.
And I invited her out on Sunday and she wrote back some sort of middling response and by the time that I went to ask my friend to re-coordinate another meeting with us, she said, "It's over. You blew it. It's too late," she's no longer interested.
And I tell you this story so that you realize that you often need to create some space in between seeing someone that you really like.
Now, you can put an artificial amount of time in there that is a service level thing like saying, "Okay, I'm going to wait three days — people have different rules," but the better truth is to feel your time with things that you like.
So especially after you were maybe to go on a date and it fell through, make sure the next night you do something awesome.
Could it be a date with someone else? It could be if that's the way you want to go but maybe just something that you love to do, a movie that you like, spending time with friends — especially when you feel yourself getting very invested in someone that you don't know that well, go back to the things you love and make sure you're doing them because if not, you're going to go all-in on that person and it will ruin it.
So the second thing that comes up that I see is begging and pleading. Now, you might be thinking, "Okay, clearly I don't beg, I don't plead, and I haven't done that," but it's more common than you think. When I say begging, what I mean is you invite someone out, you say, "Hey would you like to go tonight?" and they say, "I'm sorry I've got this thing that I need to do," and rather than saying, "Okay cool, we'll do it later," you say, "Come on, it's gonna be so much fun. You know you want to. Like, just cancel those plans, it will be great." And I've done this, absolutely, I have friends who have done this. But while this seems fun and cheeky the truth is you're putting them in a position where they are guaranteed basically to like you less.
This is not cute because what it forces them to do is to say no to you and the way that our brains work is we find ourselves saying no, no no, to someone even if we like them, part of us goes, "Okay, why am I say no to them? I must not be interested," plus you're asking them to devalue their own time so that they can invest in you which tells them that's what you would do for them which is the crux of neediness — this is you not valuing your own time or their own time.
The appropriate answer — here as long as it not last minute and it's not a terrible thing where they just like stood you up after we bought some really expensive tickets or something which you shouldn't do early on anyway but the appropriate thing is just be cool, have fun, and then make plans several days later — very simple.
The third thing here and this is one, again, that I have very personal experience with is in changing your schedule for the other person Now, this is one that I've learned and forgotten over and over again most recently — it had can happen to a relationship that's been going on.
I had been seeing this girl for some time, we really liked one another but for her own reasons, she started to put in less effort and pull back, and become less available — and because I liked her and spending time with her, my response was, "Okay, I'm going to be more available. I've got this flexibility, my time is, you know, I can work this time. My friends are pretty flexible too so if she says we're going out Tuesday but then cancels, I'll just make sure that I'm free on Wednesday for lunch." And that went on and as that happens she became less and less available.
It was more and more work for me to get her out.
So it came to a head on a Sunday night and we had plans to meet at about ten o'clock.
She called me at like nine and said, "Hey I'm really sorry, I'm at my family's and I'm not gonna be able to make it out tonight and I got I've got plans Monday, I've got plans Tuesday, I've got work Thursday and Friday so maybe can do something on Wednesday," and earlier what I would do is, "Absolutely! Great! Wednesday it is. Also, it's a bummer that you kind of flicked his last minute but I forgive you," and what I did instead here was very simple because my friends had asked me earlier that day if we could go out Wednesday. There were no fixed plans but my friends had set it and so I told her, "I've got plans Wednesday night so I can't," and she paused and said, "Wait a second. If you can't on Wednesday then I can't see this week." I said, "Yeah that's what it sounds like," and she started going, "Well, I wanted to just cancel your plans." I said, "No I'm not going to cancel my plans. I have plans with my friend," and I could feel her starting to get more frustrated, nervous and she said, "Okay let me call you back," and hung up the phone.
Ten minutes later, she called me and she said, "I'm going to wrap up here. I'm going to finish with my family. I'm going to see you tonight as we had planned," and so she came over and we hung out as we had planned to do at 10 pm and I tell you the story not because this was a huge victory that she came over on Sunday and not Wednesday but because this was a turning point in the relationship where she had pulled away previously when I started to protect my own time and invest in the promises or even just the brief plan that I made with my friend she began to put in more effort.
She stopped pulling back and she started to match and becoming more flexible rather than me having the one that was constantly adjusting for her and quite frankly I think this probably saved the relationship.
So if you sense that this is you, you're getting down this line where you're flexible when you're always adjusting for the other person and you're not, like, changing plans so that they can cancel last minute, what I really recommend you to do is start becoming a planner. Meaning at the beginning of your week, set up things that you have to do even it's as simple as in Thursday night you're gonna watch a TV show with your roommate so if you could get asked to go out on Thursday night you can't because you have to watch a TV show with your roommate.
When you protect and respect your own plans, people will respect you more. This isn't to say that later in a relationship, you cannot have a little bit more flexibility after you've got a give-and-take but early on it's the kiss of death to start flaking on your friends for someone else and in fact one of the best things you can do here is if it is a more open and inclusive event like it's a TV show with your friend and it's not some secret going-out, you can say, "Thursday, I'm actually watching TV with my friend and we're going to watch a show but if you're interested, you're welcome to come hang out with us." That shows the person that you are inclusive, that you do value your friends and your plans.
So I hope that those three things help but beyond this, neediness goes more than the surface level which is what we've covered.
Where neediness this comes from is not feeling like you have options.
Like feeling like that person is your best chance at being happy and the real way to combat that which takes effort and time is to create options in your life that doesn't just mean dating other people that would clearly give you some options on a Friday night but it can also mean investing in your fitness regimen which you have to do.
Creating a business, more habits, spending time with friends — the more things that you have in your life that make you happy and the less willing you are to compromise on those, actually the more people you will draw towards you because you are valuing yourself and investing in you and that is going to signal to them that they need to do the same.
So I hope that this is giving you something to reflect on.
Now, do these work for women or gay people, gay men-women? I'm honestly not sure.
I don't have the experience and I'm not certain but regardless of who you are, I do hope that you decide to subscribe to the Blog.
It's not all the time that we do dating advice but I've seen this happen to a bunch of friends recently and I wanted to touch on it because neediness is not just going to kill your romantic relationships, it can actually ruin friendships.
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